The Webs we Weave


You know that feeling, when you look in the mirror and forget that you are human?

 How did I get here? 

Is this forever? 

Which path was it that led me to this aphotic existence that now instigates my subconscious fight or flight response? 

As instinctual self-preservation emanates through my core, my past failures begin to unwrap the buried lies of doubt and worthlessness. 

Consuming my every thought, my once celebrated successes are nothing more than a forgotten star in the distance. 

I have conformed to societies flawed interpretation that only success brings joy. 

But for me, it leaves an empty detached void, a hollowness that incites an insatiable, intangible, and unrealistic craving for something that likely does not exists. 

I’ve become overwhelmed by the expectations of whom I perceive I should be, my spirit has been rendered restless and imprisoned by the intricate web I have spun.

The inadequacies that taunt me no longer  just whisper; they have morphed into what  seems like the mocking chants of a deafening drill Sargent, overpowering any confidence my triumphs once provided. 

When my trepidations swell, an all-consuming nothingness assumes the containment of my apprehensions; resulting in an all too familiar numbness that hushes the intensifying hysteria. 

Yet, my outwardly demeanor still beams with gleeful smiles and bubbly conversations, as if I were a renowned actress of a Broadway play.

Flawlessly executing daily routines like a robot devoid of feelings, has subsequently led to my now rapid descent to withdraw.

It’s only when the moon rises, and the bitter cold night kisses my skin, am I able to feel the depths of gravity in which I have now sunk. 

I long for just a moment to sit in the silence; to again know what alive is; to relish in the fleeting preciousness of a minute; and breathe in the air like I were the last to ever breathe it. 

If only this life was as simple as pausing these moments forever, then maybe I could claw through these restraints held by my metaphysical jailor. 

But I can’t… I am but a captive trapped within the confines of my own mind, unable to escape from this place I once sought for refuge.  

Who I am, has now forever been locked away perpetually silenced by the paralyzing anxieties of failure. 

With desperate premeditation, the imposter savagely excavates my senses of free-will and individuality, creating nothing more than a hollowed machine set for auto-pilot to please social standards.

How can I find my way back to the familiar semblances of freedom I once unconcernedly neglected?

like, laying in the grass looking at the blue sky when the seasons seemed to stand still;

and the many times when all was silent but the wind rustling the forever green leaves of spring, that seemed to blissfully dance on the outstretched branches of a bustling oak tree.

Is there such a path?

 Is it possible to back track the steps I took that led me to this place? 

Or have the rusted steal tracks of this beaten passage forever been bonded? 

Are they now forever irreversibly sealed? This new constant involuntary repetition has become like a nightmare to an innocent child 

and the dream of carelessly frolicking freely through the warm summer nights are now fading faster than ever before. 

Soon, all that will remain is a memory of who I once was;  all then, will be forever lost because of the desperate need to deceive those around me. 

I have unwittingly spun this web, thinking I could hide behind its beautiful design. 

But Instead, this indestructible creation I once crafted for refuge, 

now swallows the weak and has bestowed an eternal curse of apathetic regret, I can’t  seem to escape.

20 thoughts on “The Webs we Weave

  1. Journalofthegrey October 7, 2021 — 7:50 pm

    Poetic and real! I thoroughly appreciate this.

    I struggle with myself. I feel completely and utterly different. I struggle with feeling appreciated and relevant. I’ve been through several blogs. And recently deleted this one… the bad thing about it is that it seems very actually cared.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand deleting and restarting more than you could possibly imagine! I am an obsessive perfectionist —–> growing more and more everyday.
      What I am learning through blogging and through some of the feed back I have received.. there is something raw and real in the flaws. We as humans must begin accepting that we are innately flawed creatures; thus, striving for perfection is a waste of life. I’ve also learned over the years, since my attempted suicide, if I place my relevance, value, or worth, in the options others, then I will never be satisfied or happy. I wish you hadn’t deleted your blog 🖤 I want to encourage you to start seeking your value and worth in something unchanging… Something constant… And not in the stats of our blogs, or the likes that we get. We could write the most beautiful piece we could ever write, and still have no one acknowledge or validate our beautiful minds… My friend, this world is quick to hand out negative criticism, but stays eerily silent when praise is due.
      Find your worth🖤Own your work; the good and bad🖤and celebrate your own successes in defiance of societal silence🖤. #keepFIGHTING #KEEPsharing #thereISvictoryInVulnerability #Breakong-free-from-silence

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Journalofthegrey October 7, 2021 — 8:41 pm

        I’ve deleted 4-5 blogs about my faith and thoughts. An infinity of poetry blogs… when things don’t grow or you feel like background noise, I tend to shut down. Especially after trying to talk to people about it.

        I think I’m better off as a reader/supporter.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You can’t believe the lies of the enemy! By staying silent, you lose and he wins! Even if your blog doesn’t “grow” (stats), write and write some more ! Don’t blog for the attention, blog for the therapeutic release. For me personally, I am blogging to reach someone. I don’t know who, but if it reaches just one person who is falling below the tides of depression, potentially prompting them to seek help, or to speak up to someone around them, then this was all worth it to me !

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Journalofthegrey October 7, 2021 — 9:04 pm

        I support you. I just got to a point where I wasn’t getting views, likes or comments.. so I wasn’t helping anyone. And I can’t write for myself. I feel like the point of blogging is putting your work out there and having reciprocation. And when it’s only 1 way, I feel no purpose.

        I think I sound like a real downer 😂🤦‍♂️

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Not all! Your feelings are valid! Why can’t you write for yourself? Is writing not therapeutic for you? And how do you know, that your post you made last month wasn’t meant for someone months from now.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Journalofthegrey October 7, 2021 — 9:12 pm

        Have I mentioned yet that I am my own worst critic and enemy?

        My name is John by the way! I figured if I’m talking your head off I should at least introduce myself lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Hi John! It’s nice to meet you. I understand, I am too. I sometimes have to push myself to just publish and stop editing. I fought started ng this blog for the last two years because, who would want to read the babble I’m passionate about? <—– Lies we tell ourselves. But it's been pressing and pressing on me. When I finally realized I wasn't doing this for approval … The lies melted away. So here I am now 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Journalofthegrey October 7, 2021 — 9:28 pm

        As long as it’s real and not ate up in fluff I can get addicted to reading most anything…

        Let me know when I talk too much. “John, go away.” Usually works. I’m pretty obedient lol!

        Liked by 1 person

      8. I’ve enjoyed our conversation ☺️

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Journalofthegrey October 7, 2021 — 9:35 pm

        Awesome! Is that code for good night? Good bye? Etc? 😂

        Like

  2. nice to meet you!
    I had to visit your site to check if this was for real, sorry it is 😦 Are you taking your meds? Need to check in with your counsellor asap ..
    You are super articulate, even in your down mood this writing is superb. I have not been ‘successful’ by societal standards of accumulating wealth goods and friends but I feel like the most blessed person with balance, stability in my life, which you have reminded me of, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much and yes I am taking my medicine 💕 I actually wrote this in 2018, a week before my attempted suicide. What’s crazy is that you are a perfect stranger to me, and you could see(felt maybe) the dangerous undertones in this piece! When I posted it on my Facebook, a week before my attempt, not one person knew at all what was going. Close friends… Family.. not a single soul. I was a professional masker! I posted it as a cry for help, and it fell on deaf ears. Thank you so so much for your kind words about my writing! I actually write better when I’m spiraling down surprisingly! Which is odd because when I am spiraling down I typically I don’t have the right words to speak with my mouth, but you put a pin in my hand and it pours out. 🖤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. so very relieved to hear you have moved on … do you still have suicidal ideations?

        having a blog connects you with so many around the world and you have talent so please keep sharing!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you so much!! ❤️ and yes I do from time to time, but the difference now is I am not quiet about it! And after my attempt in 2018 I attended an extensive outpatient program with a behavioral health facility and I learned so so much about how and why my brain “malfunctions”, for lack of a better word.

    Like

  4. Ahhh sorry I wasn’t done and his send.. because I know the science behind why my brain lacks the same components as others, when the ideations begin I am able to remind myself that my thought are not true, they are not mine, they are not logical, and they are only there because of a chemical deficiency. If they continue after that I seek outside help immediately.

    Like

  5. Ughhh I’m sorry! I can’t “words” tonight! Lol

    Like

    1. Journalofthegrey October 7, 2021 — 9:45 pm

      Is all this directed towards me? Or someone else? 😂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh haha 😂 I probably responded wrong! It was meant for another person who commented and asked me if I still have suicidal ideations.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Journalofthegrey October 7, 2021 — 9:47 pm

        Gotcha 👍🤜

        Like

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